Am I in a relationship?
Updated: May 11, 2020
Ladies, remember back in high school when we thought the boys we liked were immature. You had to talk through an intermediary in order to find out if he liked you, the status of your relationship, what you were doing that night, etc, etc....... You would put a note in his locker saying "I like you, do you like me"? Please check the box Yes, No or Maybe.
Funny, how we thought that once we finished high school, things would be different. Those boys would grow up and become men, who are FINALLY able to express themselves. Well, unfortunately, that's not the case. While they do grow up unfortunately they are still immature. They still have difficulties expressing themselves.
When you're in your 20's and 30's you don't focus on their lack of depth, as we ourselves are coming into our own. Once we hit our 40's, I'm not sure what happens but things change. Our expectations grow, and yet we seem to settle for less. We are secure in who we are and where we are going. We know what we want professionally and yet personally, we settle. I'm not talking about settling for someone, I'm talking about settling for what we think are relationships. We try to foul ourselves into thinking it's something, when in all actuality, it's nothing. We think we have the answer. They will eventually see the light. But how long are we willing to wait? What will be the turning point? When will we get the sign that the time has come? What are we waiting for?
I find myself asking these questions today. What am I waiting for? The one thing we know for sure is that we are running out of time. Time does not stop. Each hour of each day, we are getting older. Nothing can stop that.
For me, one year into a relationship, and I use the word "relationship" loosely, I refer to my friend as my "fake boyfriend". We have fake fights, we have fake dates, we have fake moments. Isn't that lovely, a year of complete fakeness. There was a time when this used to be funny, however, its not that funny anymore.
I've confronted my "fake boyfriend" about the status of our fakeness. In one of our fake moments, he was about to profess his feelings for me and I stopped him. Why? Because I didn't want that moment to be fake. If you're going to profess something, it should not be under the influence of alcohol. No liquid courage is allowed when a moment of truth is upon you. You want that moment to be as real as possible because it should be memorable, in a good way.
Anyway, back to my fake story, after that fake date, weeks went by, that moment was never mentioned, never brought up. And it bothered me. It just festered inside of me. Could I be the only one who remembered it? How is that possible? How could he think that would be okay? Why would he want to leave it like that? What is wrong with him?
One day, on one of our fake dates, I asked him about it. He stated that he didn't know what I was talking about, and that infuriated me. I stated that the reason I stopped him that night was because I wanted him to say whatever he was about to profess sober. I then told him if he had something to tell me now is the time to say it. That THIS would be the last time I would bring it up. He told me he had nothing to say. That I was a great friend, one of his closest friends but that he wanted to keep it that way in fear of losing that. I said, okay thats fine. I will never bring it up again.
FF to the summer. We continued our fake dates. Though now our fake dates include fake kisses. Which is fine and dandy, but its still fake. On 9/11, he was flying out for business that day. The night before he called to tell me that I was one of the most important people in his life and that I meant so much to him.... I asked him if he was drinking, HA HA. He said no, that he wanted me to know that. That he had made 3 calls like that and I was one of those calls...
Now we are in October. Still having fake dates with fake kisses. Whats different now? Not much really, other than now other people see our fake relationship. Now people are asking me if WE are in a relationship.... All I can say is no, because thats not fake.
What's the moral to this story? I have no clue. Will this couple have a happy ending? Will the fakeness end? I don't know. I think the bigger question is how long will I be willing to stay fake? Like I said earlier, time does not stand still. Each passing moment I stay and settle, is a moment in time I can not get back. The lines that separates the fakeness from reality is blurred. The fakeness has become a convenient distraction. Is being in a fake relationship better than having nothing? Is being fake a scapegoat from dealing with real feelings? That is something I can not answer at this time.
What I do know is that my FaceBook status has not changed and we are not Instagram official.