Is this you?
Well, this was a tough week. Why, you may ask. That's a good question. I wish I had the answer.
I've been juggling a few things the past few weeks. I've launched a website displaying some of my artwork, www.abstra-art.com. I have been working on a friend's website for the past few weeks as well. Taking my father to his eye doctor, cardiologist, vascular doctor appointments, creating content for my friend's instagram promoting his site, etc. I'm just exhausted, drained....
On Thursday, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. Talking about a bunch of different things. He spoke about a business opportunity and possibly bringing me on board. As of right now, its in the beginning stage. Fine. I said, okay, sounds good. My friend was taken back by my response. He expected more enthusiasm. I was confused. I mean, let's be real here. While it COULD be a good opportunity, as of right now, it's nothing more than talk. He wanted me to start putting out feelers. I said "for what?" He has no idea what's happening right now. It's still in its developmental stage. My response was "what is there to tell?" How can I talk about something when as of right now, that does not exist?
He could not understand my lack of enthusiasm, and we left it as we will talk later.
After that call, I felt defeated. I fell into a funk. I had no desire to do anything. My attention span was nonexistent. I tried to refocus, but to no avail. I tried watching something funny on YouTube, nothing... I tried Instagram, nothing... I was in a funk and could not get out of it.
My funk is hard to describe. I just wanted to sit in my car and do nothing. Not talk to anyone. I did not want to drive anywhere. I did not want to get up, nothing..... I almost felt like crying, but I could not find the tears. I just felt like nothing.....
Later another one of my friends called, and I told her what happened. I explained my lack of enthusiasm from earlier in the day. And she agreed with me, that really, as nice as the opportunity sounds, its just talk. There is no concrete deal. No guarantee of anything to transpire from that offer. While it was nice to have someone agree with me, I still felt nothing.
Now, what is this feeling of nothing? I think it's depression. I do suffer from it. While its not as debilitating for me as it is for others, it exists. There are times when I do not feel like getting out of bed. I literally have no desire. I just want to lay there with the covers over my head. And it's not from exhaustion. On those days, I FORCE myself out of bed. I FORCE myself to take a shower. I FORCE myself to get dressed. And I FORCE myself to function. These bouts of depression usually last for 1-3 days, then I'm back to my normal self. I'm lucky as this does not happen often. And really, I'm so good at covering no one notices. As I am writing this now, I feel a little choked up and yet my eyes are dry.
What can we learn from this? Well, for me, it helps to talk about it. Even writing about it is therapeutic. Trust me, I know we should not take depression lightly. It's a serious problem that millions of people suffer from. If you feel as though you are suffering from depression, please seek help. In this blog, I am only speaking for myself and how I feel at times. How I handle my bouts of depression works for me. I have seen a psychiatrist in the past. I have been on meds for anxiety. So, now you know my history.
All I can say is while in that moment, when I do not feel like doing anything, I do feel helpless. However, I also remind myself that this too shall pass. With each new day brings new opportunities, new encounters. That while today may suck, tomorrow will suck less.
Til next time....