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  • Cat Nieves

Updated: May 11, 2020

First, I want to start this by saying I hope everyone is safe and healthy. Please practice social distancing, and please monitor our seniors who may be forgotten in all this.


Okay, now that I got that out of the way, let's get down to business. This maybe considered a continuation of the previous blog, Have you been Ghosted.


I named this blog was it something I said for a reason. I believe someone may have tried to ghost me. lol


Where do I begin? I guess I'll start from the beginning. I would say December of 2019. Christmas is coming. Oh, how I hate the pressure of Christmas. If you're dating someone, it's difficult enough to pick out the right gift. How much do you spend? Depends on how long you've been dating, right? You don't want to spend too much, and you don't want to look cheap either. But what happens if you're dating, but not officially dating, then what? What do you do? Well, I was in that predicament. I went back and forth. What to get, how much do I spend? And one night, it just came to me. I saw the light. He had been telling me about his favorite artist, so the next day I Googled him. While I couldn't afford to purchase a print, I decided I would create some artwork inspired by him. It took me a few days, but once it was done, it came out beautiful. I was even surprised by how good it came out. I had shown some of my friends the picture and they went crazy for it. Anyway, back to the story, the weekend after Christmas we got together and exchanged gifts. I had such anxiety over this. Would he like it? Appreciate the gesture? I had no idea. So, we went out to eat. When we came back I gave him his gift. He looked like he was surprised and happy by what he got. Then it was time for him to give me mine. First he gave me a box. It was in a big box. My heart sank because I had a feeling no good was going to come from that box. Then I opened the box...... it was an electronic crock pot. LMAO!!! Yes, you read this correctly, an electronic crock pot. I looked at him, then I looked at the crock pot, I looked at him and I looked at the crock pot again. I shook my head in disbelief. THEN he gave me a card.... The card was a mishmash of emotions. It was all over the place. It was like he dipped his toes in a pond of emotions only to realized his mistake and took his toes right out. I am not kidding, that's how the card read. And he signed it sincerely. SINCERELY!!! LMAO. And thats exactly what I did, LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. I laughed so hard, that I couldn't stop laughing. I mean I laughed for 15 mins straight. I couldn't hold it in. I couldn't hide it. Every time he asked me what was so funny, I'd start laughing all over again.


Eventually I did regained my composure. Once I did, I asked him about the sincerely part. He said, "I sincerely mean it". LOL. I did laugh again, but not because it was funny but because it was sad. I told him that I have received warmer closings of letters from Citibank and Discover. I then said that TD Bank must was really like me because they write that to me all the time.


After that night, I emotionally checked out. Prior to that, I used to text every morning. Well, I stopped doing that. I used to respond right away to texts, I stopped that as well. WHY? Why not? Everything I needed to know was in that card, sincerely. I decided to make a hashtag #sincerely and I think I may make t-shirts that say that as well.


He continued to call, and we would speak. We did hangout a few more times, but it was not the same, as I was not the same. I decided that I would not be available to someone who was not emotionally available. I deserved better.


Fast forward to February. My birthday came and went. He decided to be a no show for a birthday dinner with a few friends and family members. Then the corona virus began to become a reality. Like I previously stated, we were still talking, but things were different. Then March came and the last time we spoke was March 15. I did text him to make sure he and his family were okay. And nothing. All I got was crickets.


So, what does this all mean? Well, I guess he thought the solution was to ghost me, but how can you ghost someone who you were never dating to begin with? What's the sense of ghosting someone when you were never that invested to begin with?


I always thought if anything, we would always have the friendship. I wasn't angry, I just realized that we were just better off as friends. He, on the other hand, thought differently. There are a lot of sayings I could use, like "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink". Or "you have to crawl before you can walk". Sometimes in life, you may feel as though you wasted time with some relationships. I do not feel that way. People come and go for a reason. We learn from every relationship. And with those lessons we move forward and apply that to the next one. What did I learn? I learned that I deserve more. I deserve someone who is NOT afraid to say how they feel. I deserve someone who is all in. I deserve someone who is not afraid to write love in the closing of a letter instead of hiding behind sincerely.


Well, that's all I got, for now. Stay safe!❤️

Cat

The picture I created. For inquires about the artwork go to https://www.abstra-art.com/

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  • Cat Nieves

Well, this was a tough week. Why, you may ask. That's a good question. I wish I had the answer.


I've been juggling a few things the past few weeks. I've launched a website displaying some of my artwork, www.abstra-art.com. I have been working on a friend's website for the past few weeks as well. Taking my father to his eye doctor, cardiologist, vascular doctor appointments, creating content for my friend's instagram promoting his site, etc. I'm just exhausted, drained....


On Thursday, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. Talking about a bunch of different things. He spoke about a business opportunity and possibly bringing me on board. As of right now, its in the beginning stage. Fine. I said, okay, sounds good. My friend was taken back by my response. He expected more enthusiasm. I was confused. I mean, let's be real here. While it COULD be a good opportunity, as of right now, it's nothing more than talk. He wanted me to start putting out feelers. I said "for what?" He has no idea what's happening right now. It's still in its developmental stage. My response was "what is there to tell?" How can I talk about something when as of right now, that does not exist?


He could not understand my lack of enthusiasm, and we left it as we will talk later.


After that call, I felt defeated. I fell into a funk. I had no desire to do anything. My attention span was nonexistent. I tried to refocus, but to no avail. I tried watching something funny on YouTube, nothing... I tried Instagram, nothing... I was in a funk and could not get out of it.


My funk is hard to describe. I just wanted to sit in my car and do nothing. Not talk to anyone. I did not want to drive anywhere. I did not want to get up, nothing..... I almost felt like crying, but I could not find the tears. I just felt like nothing.....


Later another one of my friends called, and I told her what happened. I explained my lack of enthusiasm from earlier in the day. And she agreed with me, that really, as nice as the opportunity sounds, its just talk. There is no concrete deal. No guarantee of anything to transpire from that offer. While it was nice to have someone agree with me, I still felt nothing.


Now, what is this feeling of nothing? I think it's depression. I do suffer from it. While its not as debilitating for me as it is for others, it exists. There are times when I do not feel like getting out of bed. I literally have no desire. I just want to lay there with the covers over my head. And it's not from exhaustion. On those days, I FORCE myself out of bed. I FORCE myself to take a shower. I FORCE myself to get dressed. And I FORCE myself to function. These bouts of depression usually last for 1-3 days, then I'm back to my normal self. I'm lucky as this does not happen often. And really, I'm so good at covering no one notices. As I am writing this now, I feel a little choked up and yet my eyes are dry.


What can we learn from this? Well, for me, it helps to talk about it. Even writing about it is therapeutic. Trust me, I know we should not take depression lightly. It's a serious problem that millions of people suffer from. If you feel as though you are suffering from depression, please seek help. In this blog, I am only speaking for myself and how I feel at times. How I handle my bouts of depression works for me. I have seen a psychiatrist in the past. I have been on meds for anxiety. So, now you know my history.


All I can say is while in that moment, when I do not feel like doing anything, I do feel helpless. However, I also remind myself that this too shall pass. With each new day brings new opportunities, new encounters. That while today may suck, tomorrow will suck less.


Til next time....


Cat

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  • Cat Nieves

Funny, I've never thought about the meaning of a word. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean, I always thought that words have certain meanings and that was it. Never thought much more of it. Then recently, a friend used a word, and I was standing there with an airbubble "WTF". You must be wondering what the word was. The word was "sincerely" pass it on. lol


Okay, sincerely. Now there's a word. Let's look at what it means. Sincerely means in a sincere or genuine way. How is it used? A formula used to end a letter, typically a formal one in which the recipient is addressed by name. Any surprise here? I've received letters from lawyers, banks, work, etc and they all have used the word sincerely. So, its safe to assume they all meant what they stated in the letter. But, what happens when someone uses the word for something else? Does it still mean the same?


What happens when someone uses the word in a TOTALLY different context? Instead of a business correspondence its used on a more personal level. Does it still mean the same? I mean, the definition hasn't changed. It still means in a sincere or genuine way. However, for some reason, the issue isn't the meaning of the word, but the word itself.


Like I said before, sincerely is generally used in the context of business correspondence. Fine. But on a personal level, it just falls flat. While the meaning of the word may sound special, it loses something when TD Bank signs off the same way. It doesn't matter the person's intention of being genuine. It does not and should not be used in a personal context. Anyone who think otherwise is fooling themselves, but not fooling me.


I believe if you are not ready to express something, then don't. It's not fair to assume the person on the receiving end will know exactly what it is you are trying to express. EX: You can talk about a million dollars however, if you do not specifically state that the person you are speaking to won a million dollars, how are they supposed to pick up on that?


Words are words, period. They are one dimensional. How are we supposed to see the other side? Words are nothing with meaning. Words have no meaning without the appropriate emotion. Take the word crying. People cry when they are upset. People cry when they are happy. People cry when they are relieved. If we do not see the appropriate emotion with the word, how do we know what it means?


What can you take from this? Maybe a lesson on seeing peolpe's limitations and deciding for yourself, what does it mean......


Cat



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